Friday, May 29, 2009

A Blog By Any Other Name

What do you name a blog anyway? The word BLOG in and of itself is strange and off-putting. It sounds like the title of a late seventies horror film. "Just when you thought it was safe to surf (the internet) again... AGGHHHHH! It's THE BLOG!!!!" I envision some primordial ooze seeping from my iMac.

Nobody told me that coming up with a name for my blog would be this difficult. First of all, I thought I had already named my blog. I'm walking around like an idiot thinking I've got a blog called "JT Says" at Meanwhile, it turns out I fat-fingered the name when I requested it and it was JST Says. That's not good at all. What's the "S" stand for anyway? I'd like to think SUPER but STUPID or SPAZ would be much more accurate.

Back to the proverbial drawing board. jtspeaks -- taken. jtthinks -- taken. jtswords --- taken and it looks like JT SWORDS anyway and that's a different type of blog altogether. I went and looked up synonyms for SAYS:

Synonyms: make declaration, add, affirm, allege, announce, answer, assert, break silence, claim, come out with, communicate, conjecture, convey, declare, deliver, disclose, divulge, do, estimate, express, flap*, gab*, give voice, guess, imagine, imply, jaw, judge, lip*, maintain, make known, mention, opine, orate, perform, pronounce, put forth, put into words, rap*, read, recite, rehearse, relate, remark, render, repeat, reply, report, respond, reveal, rumor, speak, spiel*, state, suggest, tell, utter, verbalize, voice, yak*

jtspeils had potential but I thought it sounded more like a movie critic or a shoe designer. jtalleges? jtcomesoutwith? So I landed on JT Delivers. I like it. It's got a certain ring. Just hoping nobody orders a large pie with extra cheese and pepperoni. Mmmmmm. It's almost lunch time.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How Do I Hate Thee, Verizon? Let Me Count The Ways.

1.) When I signed up for my stupid account, Verizon was unable to port my existing number from my Vassar account to my new personal account, despite Vassar's many assurances that they could easily do this.

2.) Verizon assured my Vassar discount was applied and that it would take 2 billing cycles to appear.

3.) Two billing cycles later, when it did NOT appear, I called Verizon and am told I have to go to the store and do it in person. I say, "I went to the store." Verizon says, "which store?" I say, "the one in the mall." Verizon says, "Oh no. You have to go to the REAL store, not that fly-by-night mall operation, even though it's branded Verizon and has Verizon employees and the same computer system."

4.) Verizon also tells me that had my discount been applied in the store, it would've been instant (not 2 billing cycles) and I should have called sooner to complain. Silly me for believing Verizon would not lie to me.

5.) I went to the store. The REAL store this time. The first person to say "How can I help you?" turned out to be the biggest newb on the planet. No wonder he was so friendly, it must have been his first day. The shine was still on his Verizon apple.

6.) He began by fat-fingering in my number and pulling up the wrong account, despite the fact that he was holding my Vassar ID with my name on it in his hand. He told me that I already have the discount applied. His colleague, who apparently had some semblance of cerebral function, looked over and said "That's clearly a business account. The monthly bill is 18 million dollars." (Ok, maybe not 18 million but judging by her reaction it was such a large amount that she thought he was a complete moron for thinking that was my account. "Oh! You said eight-six-oh-SEVEN!"

7.) After asking 6 people what to do, he looked up the Vassar discount. He said, "it's 13%." I said, "it's 19%." He asks the same 6 people. The world was against me. They all said "it's 13%" when I know, it is, in fact, 19%. I moved on. Not a hill I want to die on on my lunch hour.

8.) He couldn't do it. He simply could NOT apply the discount. His computer is virtually on FIRE trying to accomplish the impossible. "I'll have to reboot." Of course you will.

9.) Hellspawn Verizon Employee #2 takes my ID and went through the same set of motions. When he's done, he assured me that the discount has been applied and it could take up to 2 billing cycles. WHAT?!?! Yes, everyone. I'm caught in a hell-loop!

10.) "Two billing cycles before I find out if it worked or not?!?! I'm right back where I started from! Can you give me a confirmation?"

Hellspawn #2 said "No. But I assure you it's on there."

I said, "So did the Verizon moron 3 months ago."

Hellspawn replied "I'm sorry but I have no way to give you a confirmation." Of course you don't. How about your first-born?

11.) The icing on the hell-cake. I came back to my desk and did a little research. Looks like I could have done this online. Are you kidding me?!?!?! I tried to log-on and apply the discount and I got this message:

"There has already been a modification to your account today. Please try back tomorrow."

What kind of technology doesn't allow you to make more than one account modification per day?!?!? I'm envisioning the data being transmitted to one of those birds from the Flintstones that chisels the information onto a tablet from the quarry. What year is this??!

I am in no way condoning terrorism but I sit here, astonished that we don't loose, at minimum, two locations across the country per week to disgruntled customers. I'd imagine it to be so common place so as not even to make the front page!

It's as if they go out of their way to be unhelpful. They should open with "Welcome to the Verizon Unhelpful Desk. What can I NOT do for you today?" (I have to credit Nancy with that one! Thanks, Nance."

In short, I hate Verizon in, at least, 11 ways. I don't think I'd be remiss in saying that I expect to be able to add many more to this list in the future.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

When Good Shoes Go Bad

I have a perfectly nice pair of Candies. You know Candies, right? The shoes with the wooden bottoms that when you walk make you sound like you've got two halves of coconuts and your banging them together.

They are pretty versatile. With the wooden bottoms and clear strappy tops, they match everything and look very cute. Though they are 4 inch heels, I usually find them rather comfortable. I've worn them to work on numerous occasions.

I don't know what they have against me today. Maybe it's a bit humid out. Maybe my feet are extra frictiony today. Maybe it's the fact that I trucked across campus to New England and back for no good reason. Maybe there's a disturbance in the force. I dunno. Whatever it is, my good shoes have gone bad. I have two HUGE blisters, one for each foot and one starting on my left pinkie toe. I am walking around barefoot in the office with band-aids on my feet. I look like I'm impersonating John Mclain in Die Hard. You all know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm doomed for the rest of the day to walk around in these puppies, limping. Plus, I need to go somewhere after work too. Brilliant.

But it's not today I'm worried about. What do I do after today? Do I throw them out? How can I ever really trust them again now that they've turned on me.

Let's face the facts. I won't throw them out. They're just too cute. Like the man who's "done you wrong". He pulls you back in with a sweet smile and a heart-felt apology. You remember only the good times and forget the bad. That's the way it'll be with my shoes.

In two-weeks, I'll put on a sundress and say, "Oh, I know what shoes go perfectly with this!".

It's a vicious cycle. I need help.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day: REAL HOLIDAY or SHAM?

What's the big deal? Does it really count or is it another "Hallmark Holiday"?

To me, Mother's Day is a BIG ONE. It's the day to say "Thank you for all you do for us." And by us, I mean the kids AND hubby. You may say, "Why? You're not HIS mother!" True. That would be... well... gross and Shakespearean. But I am, in fact, the mother of his children and children, if left to their own devices, will supply you with endless macaroni picture frames and over-cooked eggs. Don't get me wrong, I love all that too but there's only so much smiling politely I can do at that hour of the morning. And anyone with tots under 5-years-old knows that the hour I'm speaking of can barely be considered "morning".

Back to the question at hand. Is Mother's Day a big deal? I've heard some say "But taking care of the kids is your job." To which I usually respond by getting royally pissed-off and storming out of the room. For that I'm sorry, because, in hindsight, I was wrong. It IS my job and it's a great one! What other job involves that much kissing and snuggling? (please don't answer that) I say it loud and proud, "I AM A MOM and IT IS MY JOB TO TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS!".... but since when is it wrong to want some kind of appreciation for doing your job?! Especially if you excel at it. That's just the way people operate. We work harder so we can get recognized. Motherhood is supposed to be selfless. It mostly is. But does that mean it has to be THANKLESS too. Just one eensy weensy day to say "You're Awesome!"

I don't need anything expensive or too fancy. Just something thoughtful. For Mother's Day, some women want a break from the kids. A few hours away and there's nothing wrong with that. For me, I want them there. All day. After all, they are the reason I get to have this day to be honored. Without them, I'd just be just another smart, funny, beautiful chick who works all day and comes home to her awesome husband in her house that is now too big and suddenly doesn't need to be cleaned nearly as much and there's hardly any laundry to put away. What kind of life is that?!?!