Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How Do I Hate Thee, Verizon? Let Me Count The Ways.

1.) When I signed up for my stupid account, Verizon was unable to port my existing number from my Vassar account to my new personal account, despite Vassar's many assurances that they could easily do this.

2.) Verizon assured my Vassar discount was applied and that it would take 2 billing cycles to appear.

3.) Two billing cycles later, when it did NOT appear, I called Verizon and am told I have to go to the store and do it in person. I say, "I went to the store." Verizon says, "which store?" I say, "the one in the mall." Verizon says, "Oh no. You have to go to the REAL store, not that fly-by-night mall operation, even though it's branded Verizon and has Verizon employees and the same computer system."

4.) Verizon also tells me that had my discount been applied in the store, it would've been instant (not 2 billing cycles) and I should have called sooner to complain. Silly me for believing Verizon would not lie to me.

5.) I went to the store. The REAL store this time. The first person to say "How can I help you?" turned out to be the biggest newb on the planet. No wonder he was so friendly, it must have been his first day. The shine was still on his Verizon apple.

6.) He began by fat-fingering in my number and pulling up the wrong account, despite the fact that he was holding my Vassar ID with my name on it in his hand. He told me that I already have the discount applied. His colleague, who apparently had some semblance of cerebral function, looked over and said "That's clearly a business account. The monthly bill is 18 million dollars." (Ok, maybe not 18 million but judging by her reaction it was such a large amount that she thought he was a complete moron for thinking that was my account. "Oh! You said eight-six-oh-SEVEN!"

7.) After asking 6 people what to do, he looked up the Vassar discount. He said, "it's 13%." I said, "it's 19%." He asks the same 6 people. The world was against me. They all said "it's 13%" when I know, it is, in fact, 19%. I moved on. Not a hill I want to die on on my lunch hour.

8.) He couldn't do it. He simply could NOT apply the discount. His computer is virtually on FIRE trying to accomplish the impossible. "I'll have to reboot." Of course you will.

9.) Hellspawn Verizon Employee #2 takes my ID and went through the same set of motions. When he's done, he assured me that the discount has been applied and it could take up to 2 billing cycles. WHAT?!?! Yes, everyone. I'm caught in a hell-loop!

10.) "Two billing cycles before I find out if it worked or not?!?! I'm right back where I started from! Can you give me a confirmation?"

Hellspawn #2 said "No. But I assure you it's on there."

I said, "So did the Verizon moron 3 months ago."

Hellspawn replied "I'm sorry but I have no way to give you a confirmation." Of course you don't. How about your first-born?

11.) The icing on the hell-cake. I came back to my desk and did a little research. Looks like I could have done this online. Are you kidding me?!?!?! I tried to log-on and apply the discount and I got this message:

"There has already been a modification to your account today. Please try back tomorrow."

What kind of technology doesn't allow you to make more than one account modification per day?!?!? I'm envisioning the data being transmitted to one of those birds from the Flintstones that chisels the information onto a tablet from the quarry. What year is this??!

I am in no way condoning terrorism but I sit here, astonished that we don't loose, at minimum, two locations across the country per week to disgruntled customers. I'd imagine it to be so common place so as not even to make the front page!

It's as if they go out of their way to be unhelpful. They should open with "Welcome to the Verizon Unhelpful Desk. What can I NOT do for you today?" (I have to credit Nancy with that one! Thanks, Nance."

In short, I hate Verizon in, at least, 11 ways. I don't think I'd be remiss in saying that I expect to be able to add many more to this list in the future.

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