Sunday, June 28, 2009

Tiny Terrorists

I recently realized that I live in fear of my children. They are like tiny terrorist who rule my house.

It occurred to me this morning as my darling husband was letting me sleep in. Next thing I know, I heard tiny foot steps in the hallway. Cue the suspense movie music. I pulled the covers up over my head and cowered until the footsteps subsided. Phewww! That was a close one.

In hindsight, this sort of thing happens all the time. Like at dinner time when I opened the fridge to discover, to my horror, that we were out of ranch dressing which the tiny terrorist put on just about everything. I cried out "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" and then turned and said in a trembling voice, "I'm sorry, sweetie, we don't have any more ranch. Please don't send me to the cornfield." (Twilight Zone reference... Google it)

Don't get me wrong. They are good kids. But like everyone else, they have their triggers.

The other day, I went to get them cups of milk. They have sets of cups. Like the same kind of cup only his has trucks and hers has fish, or hers has princesses and his has dinosaurs, etc. My son freaks out when they don't have matching cups. Well, somehow I couldn't find both tops to any matching set. I was tearing the house apart frantically. I grabbed my husband and shook him "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN! WHERE'S THE TOP FOR THE BLUE DINOSAUR CUP?!?! WHERE?!?!?!" I live in fear.

If I come home from work and find out my 4-year-old didn't take a nap, cold shivers run down my spine. You see, when my daughter doesn't nap she turns from a sweet little angel into a fragile emotional basket case who is set off by the smallest thing, resulting in a crying tantrum the likes of which I've never seen. While we were on our cruise, we got called from one of the camp counselors because she was crying uncontrollably. We went to pick her up and it took nearly a half hour to calm her down, only to find out the cause of the fuss was that she didn't win at BINGO. The rest of the cruise we regarded the phone they gave us with terror, like a live grenade ready to go off (or ring, in this case) at any moment. I even took a picture of it as it sat ominously beside me on the table at dinner.

I've watched my husband plate pasta for them with flecks of herbs on it as I cringed. The words "I can't find Baby Bunny" (my daughters long-time lovey) are the stuff my nightmares are made of. My life is a constant struggle to maintain the perfect little universe my miniature masters expect, anticipating their every need, to avoid any "unpleasant incidents".

One could say it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? I mean, I could just say "Suck it up! So what if your cups don't match." or "Those are herbs. Eat it or go hungry." And, well, admittedly, sometimes I do but I've heard many people (parents and professionals, alike) utter a very wise phrase. "Pick your battles." Words to live by. If I try to keep the teeny tyrants happy, consequently, we'll all be happier. I pick my battles. They may think they are in charge but I am MOM and by God I'll win the war!!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Warning: This post may be TMI (too much information) for some, although I can assure you I'm not speaking from personal experience on this particular topic. (insert sigh of relief or groan of disappointment here, depending on the reader)

I'm talking about Sexnology or Sex Tech, if you will.

With the iPhone 3.0 OS promising hardware accessory support, you can imagine what "creative" uses for the iPhone may come out of this new technology.

Then a friend sent me a link to an article about the Blackberry's "Toy With Me" App which uses the built-in vibration feature to turn a simple smart phone into a very special inanimate friend.

I was afraid to do some research on this topic. I looked over my shoulder to be sure I was alone as I typed "sex technology gadgets" into Google. I think I clicked the search button with my eyes half closed. Apparently, this isn't all that new. Not long after the dawn of the MP3 player, someone figured out they could make something fun to jack in (... and no, I'm not about to make the obvious pun) and rock out. Check out the iBuzz.

And that's just using the music to get your groove on. I'm sure the iPhone's first "personal attachment" will be super-customizable. Maybe even operable over 3G by another user? Gives new meaning to the phrase, "Reach out and touch someone."

Oh so many puns, so few paragraphs... I'll just rattle them off to get them out of my system:

Gives new meaning to the word "handheld"
Gives new meaning to the phrase "personal digital assistance"
Gives new meaning to the word "hardware"
Gives new meaning to the term "iPhone jack"
Gives new meaning to the term "Gadget girl"
Gives new meaning to the phrase "there's an app for that"

I'm sorry. I'm not Amish or anything but I think this is just gross. Unitaskers are useful, but I think this may be taking the concept a tad too far. I love my iPod but I don't want or need to "love" my iPod. And, frankly, it can't be good for the device.

"Hey can I use your iPhone?" Ick. Imagine asking to check out someone's Blackberry only to discover they've been running a sex toy app! You would need a bit more than a screen protector to say the least. Blech.

Aha! The invention of the iPhone condom. Sounds like another product to be brought to you by the makers of the iPod Touch Modification Pack. Cha-ching!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Guys Guide To Checking Out Women

There seems to be some confusion amongst many of all ages regarding how and when it's appropriate to ogle women. I thought I'd take the opportunity to clarify this issue.

An older man must be very careful when checking out a younger woman. If caught ogling a woman (or worse yet, a GIRL) who's considerably younger than him, it is considered very very creepy. It's extremely offensive to the woman he is ogling and I have even seen other men appalled by this behavior. The sole exception to this rule is extremely attractive older men. The formula is that the larger the age difference between the man and the woman he's staring at, the more attractive he needs to be not to get outright slapped. For example, Mel Gibson can leer at the likes of Angelina Jolie, and she may be flattered. However, he would still be considered a dirty old man for looking to long at the likes of Miley Cyrus.

There are similar formula for giving the once-over to a woman your own age. The ratios are as follows:

Handsome Guy : Hot Gal = Not Offended
Handsome Guy : Marginally Attractive Gal = Flattered
Handsome Guy : Unattractive Gal = Ecstatic

Marginally Attractive Guy : Hot Gal = Unpredictable Reaction
Marginally Attractive Guy : Marginally Attractive Gal = Not Offended
Marginally Attractive Guy : Unattractive Gal = Flattered

Unattractive Guy : Hot Gal = Slappable Offense
Unattractive Guy : Marginally Attractive Gal = Slappable Offense, especially if her friends are around
Unattractive Guy : Unattractive Gal = Slappable Offense, because even an unattractive girl wants good looking guys to check her out

Now these principles vary greatly when it is a younger man eyeballing an older woman. An older woman almost always welcomes the gaze of a younger man, regardless of age or level of attractiveness. They say ladies are like a fine wine and only get better with age, but it is difficult for a woman to believe that about herself. Therefore the appraising eyes of a man (or BOY, yikes!) who could just as soon be oohing and ahhing over a fetching young co-ed is very complementary.

This graph should help.

Again, there's a bit of a gap but much less extreme. Example: A super-hot 40-something might still find it off-putting to be glared at by a homely youth but she'd have to be exceptionally striking and he'd have to be either prepubescent or really REALLY ugly.

There's one exception to all these rules for men in a position of any authority, or even seeming authority. It's simply not cool and sometimes illegal.

The moral of this story. The older men get, the more surreptitious they must be when stealing glances at the ladies. And really, as subtle as men think they are, they should be subtler, because ladies notice and it's weird. Young guys should follow the same advice in regards to younger women or women their own age. But when it comes to the maturer selection of the gentler sex, they can have at it! Look all they like while they can...because they are getting older too and before long it'll be creepy.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Once Upon a Shower

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away (oh wait, I'm mixing my references)... Let me start over.

I remember how much I used to love showers. Long, hot showers. Nothing but peace, quiet and soap suds. Just me and the gentle spray of water. There was exfoliating. There were salt scrubs. There was awful singing. There was time to lather, rinse and repeat. Sigh. Those were the days.

Those days are long gone and forgotten. Now, in the 6.25 minutes I manage to eek out in the morning, the door is opened and closed approximately 14 times with the most ridiculous requests you can imagine. I even lopped off a mosquito bite in my haste to finish shaving this morning. OUCH!

Suddenly, my 4 year old can no longer distinguish between pants and a shirt as she's attempting to get dressed.

My 2 year old came in to tattle that his sister was "saying something to him".

"My bow is undone."

"I don't like this show."

"Can you help me get a toy out of the closet?" Really?! Now?! Do I look like I'm in any condition to come get something out of the closet?! I'm naked, wet and soapy. What part of this looks like I'm ready to leap to your aid?

What I really don't get is, I am not an indulgent parent. I don't retie bows when I'm in the shower. I don't rush to help her distinguish between her shirt and her pants. And I can say, with absolute certainty, that I've never gotten out of the shower to get a toy from the closet. As a matter of fact, I'm just about as sarcastic with them as I am being right now. It's REALLY wasted on them, though.

What I mean is? Where's the precedence? They've been my kids for 4 and 2 years, respectively. You'd think they'd get some idea of how this work by now.

I don't think they are watching any crazy June-cleaver moms on TV. My mom and my husband indulge them a bit more than I do but still not to that extent. So where is this unwavering trust in me coming from?

Maybe it's built in. Maybe they come complete with unyielding reliance in their genetics.

The scary part is, as I gaze into my mommy crystal ball, I see no end in site. In a few years it's going to be the same interruptions, for different reasons.

"I can't find my math book."

"I need to blow dry my hair."

"Do I have soccer practice after school today?"

"Mom, did you take my pink lip gloss?"

What can I do? Nothing. I can complain about it. I can endlessly repeat myself and tell them to leave me alone when I'm in the shower but it won't stop. For whatever reason, precedence be damned, they need me. At all times. Maybe I just exude a mom-ness that makes them ever faithful that I'll always be there for them. And that's a good thing. Because I will be. Always. Apparently, even when I'm taking a shower.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

You Are Only As Old As You Feel

Age is just a number, they say. You are as young as you feel. This is true. And most of the time, I'm trucking around feeling somewhere around 25... maybe 28 if I didn't get enough sleep.

But what makes a person "FEEL" young? I don't pretend to know how men feel, and I'm not sure I want to, but for us gals, we feel young if we think we look young. Therefore, most mornings, I get up and look in the mirror and feel about my real age. Possibly a few years younger as I have pretty good skin. After a shower and spiffy clothes, I'm feeling about 30. Hair and a few coats of war paint and I'm down a few more years and it's usually sassy shoes that shave off the last few.

I'm out the door, feeling, again, about 10 years younger than I actually am until... WHAM! Someone or something smacks me right back to reality and I feel my age, or worse, older! YIKES!

It happens all the time, and frankly, it blows.

  • Sometimes it's some young punk at the checkout calling me "Ma'am". Certainly, I'm used to it when I'm with my tots but when I'm on my own, I'd prefer "Miss". Hell, sweetie or baby wouldn't hurt, either!

  • Sometimes it's a (much) older female co-worker guesstimating your age wrong and way high. That's right, I said "female". You'd think another woman would know better! Ladies Rule #26: ALWAYS shave at least five years off your first guess at another woman's age!!!!

  • Sometimes it's someone pointing out that the hot young stars in the Twilight movies are jail bait.

  • Sometimes it's a pop-culture reference from two decades ago that goes sailing right over your office-mate's head.

  • Sometimes it's not being able to hold your liquor the way you could when you were in your twenties leading to much embarrassment and profuse apologies.

  • And sometimes it's as simple as someone saying "Gee, I thought your children were much older than that." Which implies, either that I'm mad old, or that I got knocked up when I was a teenager. I think I prefer the later implication.
Either way, how are we supposed to FEEL YOUNG with all this reality floating around?! I enjoy a heavy dose of denial most days.

There are some days... some rare, beautiful days when it goes a different way.

  • Some young hunk at the check out hits on you. Okay, maybe he was more of a geek but he was in his twenties so I'll take it.

  • Some co-worker guesstimates your age wrong and way low.

  • Someone else chiming in with you and neither of your caring that the hot young actors in the Twilight series are jail bait.

  • Someone makes a pop-culture reference from three decades ago that goes sailing right over your head.

  • Sometimes you hold your liquor like a champ and someone else has to do the apologizing.

  • And sometimes it's a simple as someone saying "You can't possibly have two children!"
Yes, those days don't come nearly as often as the other kind, but when they do I cherish them. And on the other days... denial denial denial... and stacked heels.

Monday, June 1, 2009

I Don't Need No Stinkin' iPhone

(this post is dedicated to Jen)

Do you struggle daily trying to decide whether or not to buy an iPhone? Sure it's packed with fun, features and free (or low-priced) apps. It's so sleek and pretty. Besides, all the cool kids are doing it.

It's a tough choice. You want to make the leap but you're happy with your current network provider. And by "happy", I mean "locked into a 2-year contract", of course. If you break the contract, you only have to pay a small fee of 18-million dollars.

I have had the same struggles. I've spent many sleepless nights obsessing over my friends' and their constant connectivity. This phenomenon, also known as iPhone envy, can be debilitating and cause serious self-esteem issues. I feel like an outsider when everyone is all like, "OMG - this app is the best!" and "LOL! This video is so funny!" (For real, they talk like that).

Worry no longer, you pathetic iPhone-less losers!!! Your prayers have been answered. I give you the iPod Touch Modification Pack. If you have an iPod Touch and a phone, all you need to do is purchase one of my handy modification packs for the low low discount price of $350 and VIOLA! you have a handy 2-in-1 device. Your iPhoney friends will be so very jealous!

Velcro straps come in a variety of fashion colors. (Tyvek wraps and Duct Tape are also available in a variety of colors for an additional fee).

All the functionality of the iPhone without the cost or the hassle of switching carriers!

Disclaimer: iPod Touch and phone not included. Some users may experience inability to connect to networked application when out of range of free WiFi. Modification kit will not allow your iPod Touch to connect to your cell network. Some users may not be able to open/close their phones. You may experience limited use of the touch screen and/or keys on your telephone, especially when attempting to dial number containing 7,8,9 or 0. iPod Touch Modification Kit Co. and its affiliates are not responsible for damages to your phone and/or iPod Touch if it slips out of these flimsy restraints. No substitution, exchanges or refunds.