Saturday, September 12, 2009

Will Work For Pants

Though we didn't get much of a summer this year, that undeniable nip in the air forced me to admit that fall is, in fact, upon us and my capris, sandals and tanks need to get packed away in favor of long pants and knits. I undertook the bittersweet task today. I say bittersweet because I love fall fashion but I hasten to say goodbye to sun and sundresses.

As I was was making the switch, I turned to my husband and said "I have NO PANTS." He instantly assumed the male anti-shopping stance. "I find it hard to believe you have NO PANTS! You've got a closet full of clothes for God Sakes!" I quickly put an end to his tirade by reminding him that I lost nearly thirty pounds between February and May of 2009 and all of my pants are about 2 sizes too big. His half-joking response, "Well, you'd better EAT UP." Nice.

I didn't kill him (yet) because I understand where he's coming from. We don't have much disposable cash these days as I'm sure is the case for most people in our particular type of boat (mortgage, kids, economic strife causing no raises or bonuses in sight). That said, I can't walk around pants-less. I did happen to uncover a stash of jeans from the ear 2000 BK (that's "Before Kids") that fit me nicely but if I were to wear jeans every day, I'd have to consider a new career, possibly as a construction foreman.

I suppose I can afford a few belts just to keep my pants from falling down but the "baggy-ass" look doesn't really work for me.

I have lots of skirts that fit but, gosh, I hate wearing skirts in the winter. I'll have to invest in some heavy tights as well. Water-proof, fur-lined ones, preferably, if last winter was any indication.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Okay, so, I AM complaining but I'm aware that I could have worse problems than my clothes being too big. "Oh, woe is me! I'm too thin for all my pants! Boo hoo!" Yeah. I could see how a lot of women might be rolling their eyes right now. But, hey, it's not like I'm a size 2 either. I'm far from skinny so I'll won't feel too guilty about my rant.

In any case, I need pants.

I'm planning on standing in the mall with a sign hastily scribbled on cardboard with a black sharpie marker that reads "WILL WORK FOR PANTS" I'm not picky. I'll hand out fliers. I'll spray people with perfume. I'll be that annoying person who asks people in the mall if they'd like to take a survey. Of course, I'll need a babysitter so my kids don't scare away potential customers. Babysitters are expensive. Damn, there goes my pants earnings. I need a new plan.

1 comment:

  1. This might be your best written blog yet. Funny and witty. Well done.