But enough of that! I'm here to write about the end of days that is clearly indicated by the mass bird and fish deaths all over the world!
I've narrowed it down to a few plausible theories:
- Zombies. I don't know how they could be involved but they always are.
- Government conspiracy. The animals were actually deep cover agents and they had seen too much.
- The birds and fish interpreted Justin Bieber's unexplained popularity as a sign of the end of days and committed mass suicide.
- God is pissed.
But, seriously folks. My brain automatically goes to the realm of sci-fi when I hear about birds falling from the sky and massive amounts of fish washing ashore globally but the reality is that this is not the first, nor will it be the last time that this sort of thing has happened. The media is sensationalizing it. Shocking, I know, but true.
Similar sensationalizing occurs when there are shark attacks in the summer months. All of a sudden, Fox News is making it sound like sharks around the world are united in their hatred of human beings and are out for blood. I feel like we are living the titillating plot of 1987's classic Jaws: The Revenge with the tag-line "This time, it's personal." Instead of panicking about man-eating sharks and avoiding the beaches, just take a moment to look up shark attack statistics and you will see no increase in the number of attacks, just the an increase in the number of attacks being talked about on the news.
The fact of the matter is that if you Google the history of fish kills you will see, once you sort through the recent news, that this sort of thing has happened many times. Finding information on "bird kills" was a little trickier. I'm not sure but I get the impression that, because it's happening along with the fish kills, that the media has just coined the term "bird kills" because if you Google "bird kills" you don't find much. However, if you Google birds falling from the sky you will see many past reports, including and incident in 2007 of birds falling from the sky in both Australia and Texas. I seem to remember everyone crying "END OF DAYS" then too!
So, what's the harm in people thinking this is the reckoning? If it causes people to straighten up and fly right all the better, right? Well. Sort of. Just remember that for every person who's getting "right with the Lord", there's another moron who will use the end of the world as an excuse to do something catastrophically stupid. Hopefully, just to his or her self but maybe not. All we need is Joe Loser saying "If this is the end of the world as we know it, I'm going to commit armed robbery so I can go spend money on hookers and beer."
Spread the sanity, please! If you see someone running around screaming "The sky is falling", tell them to sit down and go to Google.com, or better, yet, just send them here and I'll make it all better.
If the world doesn't end, you'll be hearing from me again soon.
If it does, thanks for reading and see you on the flip. ;)