April is dark and soggy. It's also very confusing. One day I think spring is coming and then there is a snow storm or something. Then there is April Fool's day which may be fun for the prankers but not for the prankees (fortunately for me, I am usually the former!) And let's not forget "Tax Day".
But the main reason I feel that April is the cruelest month is that it is the month I realize the catastrophic damage the winter has done to my body. I'm sailing through March without a care in the world when all of a sudden, the stores are carrying bathing suits and I suddenly realize how fat I have gotten! I blame winter.
Here are the top 5 reasons why winter makes me (and probably you) fat:
- Human Nature. Our stupid-ass natural instinct is to eat more and store fat to keep us warm in the winter months. Obviously our instincts aren't up on the fact that we've evolved to have heated homes and constant access to food. I've got a fridge. I don't need to store fat in my ass. (Geek Alert! Sometimes I wish our brain was able to get firmware updates for just such an occasion.)
- I bake. I don't know about you but I bake a lot in the winter because it's cold enough that you don't mind turning the oven on or you are snowed in and have nothing else to do. I wish I was a sh*tty baker so I wouldn't want to eat the final product. Sadly, I rock at baking so everything I make is irresistible. Pack on the pounds!
- I don't drink enough water. It's too cold to drink water the same way I would in the warmer months. Also, I don't want to go pee every 20 minutes because the toilet seat is freakin' freezing and I don't want to undress.
- Holidays. Who's dumb idea was it to make the biggest eating holidays in the winter? Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine's Day (not a lot of eating but ooooh the chocolate). Couldn't we spread them out a bit? We've got nothing going on in June or August!
- Clothes. It's easy to forget what I look like because it's painfully cold be undressed for any length of time (seriously, just ask my husband). Therefore, I go from bulky sweaters to fleecy jammies in 3 seconds flat. I'd wear a snuggie in the shower if I could! (oooh... million dollar idea there - water proof snuggie!)
So here I am in April, staring down the prospect of bathing suits and tank tops with loathing as I munch on carrot sticks and drink gallons of water a day. It's a vicious cycle that I am not sure how to break. It's an annual event so, clearly, I shouldn't be shocked when it happens, but I am. I'm like a deer in headlights the first time I walk in to Target and see a rack of bikinis (SOOOOOO not wearing a bikini anyway but that's besides the point).
I think I need to remind myself that April is coming in February. I could get daily notifications that say "Stop eating, stupid." and "Sweater is almost over." Hmmm, I wonder if there is an app for that?