Saturday, August 11, 2012

Why I Don't Miss The City

I moved out of the city about 10 years ago. I don't miss it. I might if I lived really in the sticks but I live in a fairly high-culture, epicuriously diverse area. Occasionally I think of something that's better in the city and then I have occasion to visit and I am reminded why I don't miss it.

1.) Traffic. Everything might be closer together but it takes 5 minutes to move 5 feet. Not always but when it happens, it's excruciating!

2.) Idiot drivers. I've never seen so many inept, aggressive morons in one place.

3. ) Crowds. Where there are lots of cars there are lots of people. Nuff said.

4.) Lines. I know I am stating the obvious because clearly if there are crowds there are lines but I hate waiting for sh*t. Every line is 10 times longer than it should be. Which brings me to...

5.) Customer Service. Everyone is grouchy -- says the grouchy chick blogging about stuff she hates. It is true though. Where I live, service people are almost always anxious to help and happy to do so.

6.) Nasty-A** Public Restrooms. Now, it's not like any public restroom is a pleasure but pile on the people and the issue is compounded. There is no amount of orange cleaner to mask the smell of dirty diaper.

7.) Stepping in F**king Gum! After stepping in gum today, I realized I haven't stepped in gum in 10 years! It sucks! Not quite as bad as stepping in urine, dog sh*t or vomit but it's unnecessary and gross.

8.) Stinky People. Someone ripped a fart while we were eating. Nasty human being.

9.) Huge Mall Parking Lots. If I were at home, I'd be shopping already.

I am fully aware that I sound like an old lady shaking my cane and telling the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn but I don't care. Life is to short to deal with bullsh*t like this and I don't miss any of it. I'll take my 20 minute drive to the uncrowded mall with the short lines, smiling sales people and slightly less disgusting restrooms any day.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Tips for the Best Results When You Step on the Scale

The optimal time to weigh yourself is the first thing in the morning. Why? Well, every ounce (or fraction of an ounce) counts.  Follow my tips for the best possible results.  The little things add up.

Step on the scale:

  • After using the bathroom
    • You will be minus sh*t weight
  • After taking a shower
    • You will be minus dead skin weight
  • After shaving your legs, armpits, etc.
    • Minus stubble weight
  • BUT Before washing your hair
    • Otherwise you will add water weight, although washing your hair removes a bit of dirt and oil weight.  I guess you could wash AND blow dry your hair first, if you are feeling really ambitious about weight loss.
  • Before eating breakfast
    • You will be minus the muffin, Starbucks latte weight
  • Before getting dressed 
    • You will be minus the maxi-dress weight
  • After brushing your teeth 
    • So you can be minus the plaque build-up weight
  • After blowing your nose
    • Minus booger weight, obviously
  • Before moisturizing
    • Otherwise you'll add moisture weight
  • Before putting on your makeup
    • Don't want to add mascara and lipstick weight
  • After clipping your nails
    • Minus nail clipping weight
  • Breathe out
    • I know they SAY air doesn't weigh anything but what do they know!
If you are truly dedicated to loosing the excess weight, you can try the following:
  • Get a hair cut, or better yet, shave your head
  • Take off your nail and toe nail polish
  • Pluck your eyebrows
  • Pluck your nose hairs
  • Spit out as much saliva as possible
  • Clean your ears
  • Cry a lot (Ever think about how much water weight are we carrying around in tears?!?!?)