Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Audible Underwire

I think this one can be filed under "B" for "Busty Girl Problems". Or, maybe not. I haven't done a proper poll of women cup size A through L to see if this is a universal issue. I'll put that on my to do list but, in the mean time, I'll tell you about my experience.

I recently deviated from my strict rule of purchasing the same brand of bra. Call it temporary insanity. Call it shopping induced amnesia. I often think that Zulily has some kind of magical power over me. Everything looks so pretty. The app is easy to use and nice looking. I can check out with Bill Me Later via PayPal (and "Later" seem so very far in the future when it comes to pretty things in my shopping cart). But alas, somehow, some way, I found myself looking at an order confirmation from Zulily with regards to a bra that I had no recollection of purchasing. See! Shopping amnesia.

In any event, apparently I order a Dr. Rey bra.  Honestly, now that I've typed it I have a vague recollection of reading reviews before making the purchase and the reviews were favorable. As I waited patiently for this mystery purchase to make its way to my door (and if you've shopped Zulily*, they're no Amazon), I pondered the consequences of my rouge brassiere purchase. Would it fit?  Zulily doesn't do returns so I'd be stuck with it. Would it be supportive, like an old friend? Would it make me look better than I am, also, like an old friend? Only time would tell.



My package arrived.  I usually ship to my office so I had to resist the urge to tear into it and rush to try it on. I can't imagine explaining myself to the female colleagues I might've encountered in the bathroom, though, most of them, would not be surprised in the least.

In any event, I waited until I got home to open the package. Sh*t!  It looked effing HUGE! I tried it on. Double sh*t!  It fit! Which is good but that means that the freakin' ENOURMOUS bra I took out of the package actually FIT me which must mean my perception is WAY the hell off! Its just that it looked a lot 'beefier', for lack of a better word, than my other bras. Beefier. Yup! That's what I look for in a bra! Nothing says sexy like 'BEEFINESS'. Sigh. I guess it's because it's some kind of a shapewear thingy so it's not as bad as all that.

Ginorumousness aside, it looked good. It claimed to lift. It lifted. It claimed to minimize. I don't know about that, but I'm really dealing with a full house here so minimizing is a very tall order. I don't expect miracles. I put a shirt on. It looked good under clothing which, as any woman can tell you, is NOT a given. Sometimes it makes them look pointy or you can see the outline of the bra, or they just make your breasts look generally... odd. Not the case. All was well with my rogue Dr. Rey purchase until...

'squeak' 
"What the hell was that?"  I shifted on my feet. 
'creak-squeak' 
"Was that my bra?" I lifted my arms to investigate.  
'squeak-squeak' 
"Goddamit!"

I've had this happen before, typically with bras that I've had for a long time. They get worn out, and the underwire starts groaning under the pressure like "Oh God!  Haven't I done enough? I simply can't do this anymore. Make the pain stop!" I usually put the poor thing out of its misery.

However, I've never experienced this with a new bra! In the back of my mind, I always wonder how loud it is. I keep meaning to ask one of my girlfriends if they can hear it, but the time is never right. I imagine it's akin to eating a bag of chips in a quiet room, it sounds SO LOUD inside your head but is barely audible to everyone else. At least, I hope that's how it is.

Maybe that's how it slips past the quality control in the offices of Dr. Rey and his cronies. The wearer can hear it, but everyone else is like "What the hell are you talking about?"

Or maybe it's a feature! Maybe the SOUND is how you know it's working! I can envision the commercial now.
"Choose Dr. Rey Shapewear. Support you can HEAR!"
Whether it's meant to be there or not I've got say it hurts my feelings a bit. Hearing sounds coming from my underwire makes me think of a bridge groaning under the weight of a semi. I really should ask women of all shapes and sizes if they have experienced "Audible Underwire" too. It might make me feel better.

Have you tried Dr. Rey Shapewear, shopped Zulily or experienced 'Audible Underwire'?  If so, please leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you!

Stay supported my friends!


*I mean NO disrespect to Zulily. They've been good, no GREAT, to me, and I totally get that the manufacturer ships to them and then they ship to me so I just make sure I'm not ordering anything I need quickly.  Considering it's mostly impulse shopping, I rarely need any of it quickly, if I NEED it at all!

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE Zulily - I've always been pleased with my impulse shopping there!

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