Monday, August 4, 2014

Siri is a Ginormous Turd

There are likely one-hundred or more funnier / stupider / more annoying things Siri does that I could write about but, this one really bugged me.

Today was my kiddos' first day of a week-long Harry Potter Camp at a local community college.  I hope they're having fun, because, honestly, I think my kids were having visions of Hogwarts dancing in their heads and I dropped them off in an unadorned college classroom at 9 AM this morning. However, that's besides the point.

The point is, my morning routine was disrupted. I usually have my first cup o' joe when I get to work at 8:30 so my husband only makes enough for himself at home. I didn't think to tell him to make more for me today as I'd be leaving later than usual.

I rounded up my little witch and wizard, figuring I'd find a Dunkin' Donuts on the way. I know where a few of them are but wasn't 100% sure if there was one on the route.

Instead of asking Siri, I decided if I passed one, I'd stop. If I didn't it could wait until after I dropped off the magical munchkins.

Once I got to "Hogwarts of Poughkeepsie",  I had to fill out a missing form, then had to have the kids reassigned because they accidentally had them in the wrong age group. By the time I was back at my car, the coffee jones was kicking in big time so I asked Siri a question he/she/it must get all the time.

"Is there a Dunkin' Donuts near me?"

I mean, seriously, "American runs on Dunkin'" after all.  This question has got to be as common as "What's the weather today?" or "Do I have any new messages?"

In response to my very simple question, Siri began, "JT, I found one Dunkin' Donuts..."

Pause.

Let me stop right there before I proceed with the rest of the stupid answer.  "ONE DUNKIN' DONUTS??!?!"  When is the answer ever ONE Dunkin' Donuts. As in single. As in unique. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a DD!

Maybe it was the lack of coffee but, I felt the urge to kill rising before she/he/it even finished the sentence.

"JT, I found one Dunkin' Donuts quite far from you..."

Do you get this from Siri a lot?

I find it/she/he uses "quite far" if there's a different name for the hamlet or neighborhood designation. For example, if something is actually IN POUGHKEEPSIE but the address says ARLINGTON (which is part of Poughkeepsie), the response is "quite far". Dummy.

"It's 15.6 miles away in Kingston, NY. Is that the one you want?"



Oh, Siri! You know me so well! That's exactly what I wanted!
I would've been delighted to choose the Dunkin' Donuts that was 15.6 miles away, according to you, which according to every map, including your own, is actually 22 miles away. Perhaps you were suggesting I actually drive IN the Hudson River!
I would have certainly loved to drive past my own home, across a toll bridge, to Kingston, NY to get a large coffee with milk, only to come all the way back to Poughkeepsie to go to work. Yup. That seemed like the best idea to my caffeine deprived brain at 9:13 AM.
Or, I could have just gone to ANY ONE OF THE DOZEN OTHER DDs in the Poughkeepsie area! I just wanted a cup of coffee, dammit!!!!

Insanity!!!

But, what's more insane is I keep trying to use this technology thinking that it's got to be better next time, right? Wrong.

Maybe this is one of those things that Apple purposefully designs to perform extremely poorly so that when it finally works well we are just so relieved and grateful the torture has ended.

This really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
I should probably break-up with Apple.

Who am I kidding?  Apple's going to give me a shiny new iOS next month and all will be forgiven.

Oh, and I didn't get any coffee until I got to work.